Say Cheese... Now Smile!

I feel so drained.

Friday afternoon, we had the wake/rosary/memorial which I guess was alright. I don't know how to judge it. Nice? Sad? Difficult? All three.

The Sky Rose chapel at Rose Hills was gorgeous. Nanang would have liked it.

When I first got there, I stopped by her casket to see her. This was the moment that my Uncle Nanding called to me with his camera... apparently he wanted to take a picture. I probably had this really freaked out look on my face so he just walked away...

As expected, a lot of family and friends were there. I was suprised to see some faces that I haven't seen in a LONG time like old friends from elementary school and their parents. I was also really really happy to see Melissa, who reminded me of how she'd used to call me back in high school and Nanang would answer the phone, but when I wasn't there would respond "Nicole is not here. I AM ALONE." or how when I'd have friends over and then I'd have to chase after my Nanang cause she'd attempt walk out into the streets... and really happy to see Jean there, who didn't even know my Nanang but came for support.

The Memorial was hard. I didn't think it was going to be that hard... but it was. I thought we'd laugh and share happy memories... which we did, but it just made that ache worse cause I realized I was going to miss her so much. Probably the worse was at the very end, they had everyone sing this one illocano song that my Nanang used to sing... and right then and there, I realized that I was never going to hear her sing it again.

By this morning, I figured that the Funeral itself would be easy since we had done a lot of crying the night before... but no. Everything felt... surreal. They closed the casket and I remember walking with the family in the procession at the Mass. Somehow I read the Prayer of the Faithful. We all got up and surrounded the coffin and each of the family sprinkled Holy Water on it. Then it was over and we drove to the other side of the mausoleum for the intermment. The echos of everyone sobbing and crying loudly inside the mausoleum was traumatic, even more so that the sounds of the coffin scraping against the cement or seeing a man climb into the "crypt" and pushed the coffin into "position".

The reception was a haze. Since my dad was expecting a lot of people, he had to find a "hall" to have it at. Well, the nearest one that was available was this Mexican Restaurant/CLUB... so when I walked in to see lights on the wall, a stage and dancefloor, somewhat hootchie waitresses, I was pretty much shocked. It was nice though... a LOT of FOOD, open (wine and beer) bar, and basically a happier atmosphere. But still, my mind was not quite there... I did though get a big laugh when one of my uncles who was walking by eating a piece of chicken, finished his chicken and threw the bone on our table very discretely... and when one of my aunts and uncles actually went to the dancefloor and danced to Mambo #5.

Anyways, once again, THANKS SO MUCH to everyone with their kind thoughts, prayers, hugs, and messages. You really don't know how much to means to me...

I wish time could stop right now because I never want to have to go through this again...

But I know its very unlikey.