After a week and a half of waiting... today was the first viewing of my Nanang.

For the past couple of days, I haven't been able to sleep because of all the anxiety building up in me just for today. When I'd close my eyes, my mind would start visualizing of what she may look like in her casket and whatnot... so then I'd grab any silly romance novel next to me and read to the point of exhaustion just to get something else into my mind... sleep would come around 6am and it still would be pretty restless.

Today wasn't too bad. I was really nervous about seeing her for the first time this way. I didn't know what to expect. So when I went over there... I stayed back a bit. Then I saw her and it hit me. She wasn't sleeping. She didn't look the same. There was a spiritless body there that I didn't know... but at the same time it was her.

The moment I started crying, it felt like the whole room got quiet and really the only thing I could hear was myself. I cried on my dad's shoulder.

Afterwards, it was ok. I sat with Jen and Angel and we reminiced about how Nanang taught us how to play Mah Jong, the times she chased us with a knife when we were bad, the time she ran into the swimming pool... and I felt much better.

A lot of family and friends have been coming in, so the room was filled with people talking and laughing. Yeah.. though the mood was sober, there were some silly moments were you couldn't help but smile. Like when my Tita Lagring would go into a crying/wailing spell in ilicano at the casket... she'd finish and then turn and look kind of embarassed. My Uncle Nestor then told her that she should cry and wail in ENGLISH so that everyone could understand. :)

So yeah, it wasn't too sad. She was 91. She lived a long and happy life. We're just gonna miss her. Thats all.

spaznik: disneyland sucks! no big thunder... no spacemountain... no splashmountain...
Zasher816: jeez
Zasher816: tell me when everything is open
Zasher816: and i'll go
spaznik: im sure during the holiday season...
spaznik: cept for space.... that's gonna be down till like 2005.
spaznik: can we say SUCK!!
Zasher816: suc!
Zasher816: whoops
Zasher816: i mean
Zasher816: suck!
spaznik: wow... i guess we can't.
spaznik: :P

"We would go to the beach. Your Tita Lagring, your Uncle Nestor, all of them... we'd go to the beach. And then we'd kill a goat. Then we'll go swimming."
~My Uncle on his youth

Now offically, been spending my 'nights' at my dad/aunts place for the Rosary. I'm definitely feeling better... although now it feels "real" and I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

My dad is still driving me crazy. I've told him many a time that I don't want to sing at the memorial. I'll go up and say something meaningful and share a thought or two... but I don't think I can survive singing a song... and I don't want to "perform" like its some kind of variety show. But he still isn't getting it. He "kindly suggested" that I "gain some composure the day of the memorial" so that I can sing. He even tried to trick me into doing it. He asked me if I knew some song by Josh Groban, to which I replied "yeah... thats a pretty song." He then followed by saying "Can you sing it?" then added "Nanang would love that."

Can you make it any harder? Really. Can you?

Argh.

Anyways, on a much brighter thought...

My mom went a high school reunion this past weekend where she got a cd of some old music what her and her friends used to listen to. We popped the cd in the car as we drove over to the Rosary and my mom was singing and dancing (swaying) about to the songs. She told us about how when she was at her reunion, when a certain song would come on, her and her girlfriends would get all "happy" and scream and do their little dance (swaying) to it. I thought that was the cutest thing.

But then I thought about my high school friends and I... and imagined how maybe in 30 years time, when we'll hear "DA DIP" or 112's "ONLY YOU" we'll scream and probably start dancing (booty) too. Or maybe bust out our old "STOP" Spice Girl routine. How about hanging out with Joe, Luc, or old school CKIers in 20 years and hearing "BYE BYE BYE." You know jumping 3 times in sync (haha) to the beat is inevitable.

Then I imagined dissapointed faces on my imaginary kids as they realized that their mommy... was a total dork. ;)

I went to my dad's earlier tonight. When I got there, there was a group playing mahjong in the garage. Apparently they had a rosary beforehand for my Nanang... and they've been having it all week since she died. What really annoys me is that NO ONE TOLD ME. When I asked my dad why... he said "because you don't call me." What annoys me even more is that I was there Wednesday and they didn't say anything. I talked to him briefly on Friday... nothing. All this time, I had been wondering about the family having prayers... just came to the assumption that they were waiting for the rest of the family to get in. But they've been having it all along!

Since I "moved out", I have been completely out of the loop. Yes, I'm sure a good part of it is my fault because I can pick up the phone as well... but really. Now it's just... argh. Nanang was in the hospital for 3 days before she died. Last time she had a "close call" a month ago, it was my cousin Jen who called me. The night she died, they KNEW she was going, but I didn't have an idea until it was too late and she was already gone.

I guess I'm more hurt than angry. I know my relationship with my dad has been pretty strained since.. well as far as I can remember, but all this? I've been here at home with Carlene mourning... while he's been with other family and they're having their closure. It just isn't fair... or maybe I'm just being self-centered and silly. Maybe I can't think straight right now. :( Whatever it is... it just hurts.

After several gallons of green/yellow/beige/black paint on the walls, the banister, carpet (eek!), clothes, hair, skin... yards of wood trimming... and a WEEK later! The living room is now FINISHED. Well, there are some touchups here and there that need to be done... but overall, its lookng pretty niiiice. ;)

before.... after!


what an improvement! no more white walls!


its like trading spaces!


I had dirty pirate feet today. Eww.

But yay! Its (nearly) done! Now only the downstairs bathroom, the family room and kitchen need to be "painted." Maybe later... late late later....

In other news, today was Penelope's first day in puppy training school!


Tough luck kiddo. We all have to go through it. ;)

Yes. That IS a sailor collar on the puppy. Isn't it the cutest!? :)

Right now though, I'm humming. I can't sing it cause its in illocano, but I know the song. Its my Nanang's song and when I think of it, I can see her dancing or hear her bracelets chiming when she moved her arms. It was the song that you'd see Nanang dance with another grandmothers at the parties. Carlene and I call it the "sister sister song" because we'd joke that when one of us gets married, in addition to a father-daughter dance, we'd have a sister-sister dance just like Nanang.

:)


Its been hard. Yes, I've been thinking of the good times and as much as it makes me happy, it makes me miss her so much that I can feel it in my chest.

I'm praying that next week I'll have some closure.

Anyways, been working and spending time with the family. Its been really nice. The other night, we immersed ourselves in the wonderful world of FILIPINO MOVIES! :) Next week, I actually have off from work... which is good since thats when everything is happening, but on the other hand, I need the money. My bills just came in and well, they're not pretty.

*speaking of work...*
spaznik: i just got home from work.
TaIksal0t: how was whoring?
spaznik: good. made some money....
spaznik: it was out at the university of redlands...
TaIksal0t: wow
TaIksal0t: funs tuff
spaznik: uh huh!
TaIksal0t: lots of costumers tonight, then?
spaznik: hahah 274 to be exact.
TaIksal0t: so tonight was a good night, did you break 20 bucks?
spaznik: hahahaha oh baby oh baby i sure did
spaznik: i was on my knees for HOURS!
spaznik: chaircovers are a BITCH to put on!
TaIksal0t: hahah
TaIksal0t: is that what they call it now

:P

The house is in shambles. We started painting Sunday night... Monday got the news, and since then Carlene and Sonny have worked on the living room while I've been at school/work. We still have to finish some detailing but probably won't be doing it for a while or until we buy one of those super big ladders so that we can reach the ceiling. But I guess you can say that the house feels like what I'm feeling. Very unsettled.

They postponed the funeral/viewings until next weekend so that all the family from Philippines, Hawaii, Canada, Nor Cal... have enough time to get here. Right now I'm anxious for it. Its like when you fall and scrap your knee. It hurts... but then you see your mom come at you with that antibacterial spray that you know will sting like hell... but then afterwards it'll be ok. Well at least I hope it will be.

The whole thing should be pretty insane though. Carlene jokes that we're gonna be eating a whole lot next week. Great. I guess its good that black is "slimming."

If they take pictures of family next to the casket... are they supposed to smile?

Ha ha.

But really thanks so much for all the thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me. :)

Anyways, on a much lighter note, the faint sound of TV is filling the house. I finally caved in a bought rabbit ears for the tv so now we have a fuzzy but adequate reception with basic cable. Apparently, there's an election this Tuesday. See, I wouldn't have known. It feels like we're taking baby steps back into the real world with it. Sonny and I sat there for a good hour wondering if what we were watching was really funny... or if it been so long that we just don't know anymore.

Also, I got a really cute message from Jennie in regards to friendster that made me laugh:
*YOU FOUND HIM! haha good job! (high five!!!)*
Oh memories of old crushes, silly AIM chats, and pandas. Oh the pandas... :)